Announcer: Previously on "Web Therapy"... - I'm not home, okay?
Let me in!
- I'm not there. - Let me in right now!
Oh, good, louder, so someone will call the police.
And my sister Shevaun doesn't know anything about it.
She wasn't there when I was there.
She was at Harvard.
She said you slept with your professor.
I want you to call Kip.
Get off the line right now and call him.
- No. - Because my poor roommate
- Mabel has died. - What?
I need this legal defense.
I need to be declared insane, because I think--
Well, I don't think, I know,
because I couldn't get a pulse,
I've killed my roommate.
And, you know, I got you Richard Pratt...
- Mm-hmm. - From Lachman Brothers,
an old associate of mine.
I think about you all the time.
Um, I love you.
I-I think I love you.
My friend Austen who has all the companies,
I told you about him.
And he sent me a list of, you know, different--
I would love to get a job in L.A.
I totally would be great in L.A.
Well, I don't think he has any-- jobs.
- In L.A.? - No.
[Jazz music]
♪ ♪
Sync, corrected by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
[Computer dialing]
- What's going on? - Hi, Kip.
Nothing, we haven't really been in touch for a while.
I thought it would be nice if you and I could reconnect.
You know? That's why you're calling?
- Yes, that's all. - Oh, okay.
And also just to let you know that Austen
has increased the level of security for me.
Because I--Well, it seems that Ben has created
so many people that hate you, they now hate me
and I have a stalker, it seems.
- A stalker? - Been to the house.
- Really? - I wasn't here, luckily.
Thank goodness.
I mean, we can talk about it more.
We don't need to talk about it.
All right.
Are you there alone, or--
Of course I'm alone.
Oh, thanks, Ben. Dillon...
Okay. Well, I should go.
You should go. It was nice to reconnect.
Yeah, it was great-- Great talking to you.
- Good night. - Good night, Kip.
Bye, Ben.
You know, the cavity search
was a little uncomfortable last time.
So this time, I think I've got a better plan.
I got everything you asked for for today's visit and--
- Oh, yeah, I like that. - That'll work, right?
- Yeah, it's good, I like that. - Okay. Good, good, good.
Also, I read the stuff you sent me for Fiona's book.
And, um, it's gonna be helpful.
But I-I'm wondering if you have any pictures of her
as a child, like, maybe the victim of a bullying.
Yes, she was the victim of bullying.
- Okay, good. - Well, she asked for it.
- You know, she's so-- - Right.
Jerome, what are you doing at my desk?
Oh, Dr. Wallice. I'm just taking an order
for your mother, for the hospital.
- My mother is here? - Yeah.
- She's on Skype there. - Where?
Bye, Miss Hodge.
I'll be in my office if you need me.
- Yes, go. - Hey, Fiona. [Raspy voice]
Hey, how you doing?
How's--How's it hanging, Fiona?
How's it hanging?
I'm confused.
Mother, why do you look like that?
Darling, don't be confused. I'm preparing myself
to go to the big house.
I have to acclimate myself.
I have to create some kind of look
that's going to fit in.
You don't want people beating me up
in the cement yard.
No, why do you think that you're going to the big house?
Have their been fil-- Charges filed against you?
No, but I-I am the roommate.
I was there. I would be implicated in some way.
They're liable to interrogate me.
[Raspy voice] Yeah, and she ain't no stoolie.
She's not gonna name names.
No, but there are no name-- Look, Mother.
Do not admit anything to the police, all right?
It was an accident.
[Raspy voice] She knows what she did.
Why is your sock sounding like Marlon Brando?
[Raspy voice] Mabel's taking a dirt nap.
- All right. - Don't say things like that.
Yeah, don't say things like that.
I can't help it, I'm on the edge.
You have to pull together.
I've a mind to come get you and bring you back to Boston.
No, no, don't come here and get me.
I don't want you to be exposed to the jailhouse.
Well, can I leave the puppet and just take you?
Yes. Can you do that?
Can the puppet serve time for m--
I'm--I'm only kidding, really.
But can the puppet serve time?
- No. - I'm just asking.
What is this? What is exactly this thing?
Is that a teardrop on your eye?
Well, I've offed somebody, haven't I?
I've killed somebody, and that's what comes of it.
Oh, didn't know that. How do you know that?
I'm preparing myself for the eventuality.
[Raspy voice] Hey, I gotta have a smoke.
- Things are getting tense. - Why would you want to--
- I know what you mean. - Why would you want to--
To advertise that "I killed someone,"
when it was an accident?
You didn't kill anybody.
We have to remember that.
[Raspy voice] Look, I got a teardrop too.
Okay.
Like mother, like daughter.
No, that's not your mother.
That is not-- That's not your--
Oh, yeah, she's my old lady. She's my ma.
All right, I'm not going to talk to the sock right now.
Okay, don't tell this puppet-- She doesn't have time to talk.
She's got a lot of press to deal with.
Well, don't do that.
Don't do any interviews.
And maybe wipe the-- Is that cornrows?
Yes, they want to interview the roommate.
Every time they turn around, that's all they think of
is they want the roomie, they want the roomie.
I'm kind of an icon.
And I don't have time.
I have a Twitter conference.
I'm downloading pictures of Putsy for her face page.
I've got my own face page to deal with.
- No, don't do that. - And I must say adios.
No, get off face pa--
Fiona!
Hello, Gina.
I keep sending you video messages
and you never video message me back.
I'm so busy, though.
I'm sorry, you know. [Laughs]
The campaign and everything.
So--But I'm glad you're doing well,
it seems, from the messages.
I got a promotion!
Oh, that's wonderful.
Dear, that phone is blinking.
Oh, that's the accident phone.
- It rings all the time. - Oh.
- They'll call back. - Oh.
[Wind blowing] Aah!
- Jake, shut the door. - Jake: I've got one more.
- Jake, shut the door, you punto. Jake: All right..
[Sighs]
So, how wonderful you got a promotion
for all the good work you do.
What, somewhere in Shipping, an upper clerk?
- No, it's way better than that. - Oh.
Here's what happened. Like, the head guy,
this British older guy was here on a worldwide tour
and he slipped on a fish.
Wait, my friend Austen Clark was there?
Ashton Cook or something?
He slipped and he fell and he hurt himself.
I gave him mouth-to-tongue resuscitation
- and the Heimlich maneuver. - Oh.
And so then he was like, "you're promoted."
Yes! I'm going to London
as a management trainee.
Oh.
- I mean, it's the best. - Yeah.
I'm such a success.
Well, you're welcome.
[Laughs]
Don't think you'll like London, though.
Think you'll be happier there.
I think there are too many women in London.
You know, it's about one man
to every ten women there, so--
Yeah, but the Spice Girls are from there.
- Yes, they are. - [Laughs]
Shut that door!
Oh!
I am so gonna rape you! Later.
[Laughs]
Eiffel Tower, here I come!
- Hello, Richard. - Hi, Fiona.
You're calling to badger me again about expenses?
You know, one thing is that when we do this
while I'm in the air, it's more expensive, all right?
I didn't really call you about expenses. I um--
Why are you so dressed up, I wonder?
Is there a black-tie office gig party?
Well, tonight's the benefit.
It's the Carrie Underwood benefit.
That's tonight is the Carrie Underwood?
I cannot wait to hear her sing, uh, that song--
What's that song, uh, uh, um--
♪ Last night ♪ [Gibberish and humming]
♪ Blame it on the Cuervo ♪
What is that song, Fiona? No, I don't know.
I don't even have it in here that that was tonight.
She gets a lot of press. I should be there.
I honestly think that she's just lucky.
I can't be at the Carrie Underwood fundraiser,
because it's too crucial that I'm at the Wilkes-Berry--
Wilkes-Barre Women's Correctional Facility
for an appearance.
Well, that'll be very meaningful for them.
But I don't care.
I'll tell you want, I'll--I'll--
I'll think of you when she sings
Jesus, Take The Wheel.
Well, that makes everything better. Thank you.
I'm sorry you're upset, Fiona.
But I actually contacted you because I'm--
[Inhales] I've gotta talk about a--
- A problem that I have that I'm-- - Oh.
So it's therapy now?
- Mm-hmm. - Okay.
Let me put my therapist hat on.
All right. [Chuckles]
- You're amazing. - Thank you.
You really are amazing.
Uh, I-I'm in a situation now
where I-I feel like I've, um--
I might be crossing a boundary that's inappropriate.
Oh.
I-I have feelings for somebody that I'm working with.
Okay.
And, uh, I think--
I mean, she's just, you know, incredible.
- Well... - And, uh--
- I'm sure she is. - She is.
She's beautiful. She's tall and, uh,
she's got blonde hair, long, silky hair.
She smells incredible.
[Giggles]
I mean, I can't even stand next to her without--
I go crazy. I just--
I feel like I'm going crazy.
I-I think about her constantly.
And her smile is amazing.
And her laugh, it's--
When she laughs, it just--
Everybody laughs with her.
- [Laughs] - She just lights up the room.
Everything just stops.
She's amazing. [Chuckles]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- She sounds wonderful... - She is.
Almost too good to be true.
I wish this campaign were over
- so I could just... - Me too.
Be with her out in the open.
Yes, I'm a bird in a cage.
What does that mean?
It's just that for me as well,
I wish this campaign were over too.
Yeah, yeah--
Get back to some things that I enjoyed doing before.
- Yeah, but, um... - Sacrificed everything.
- My book... - Getting back to me.
Oh, yes.
- I feel like it's unethical. And I-I--
I think that these are feelings that you have.
You know, and they are legitimate and earned.
And I think that this person would love
to just hear that declaration of love from you
so that it can be addressed.
And then you can move on.
But... during the campaign?
Yeah. I mean, it's-- You know,
you've had these feelings, I think,
for about what, five years? [Chuckles]
Five ye--No. No, no.
Like, uh, maybe a few months.
- A few months? - Yeah.
Oh, so just since the campaign started.
Your whole life before that at Lachman Brothers
we're not going to count, then?
Well, I didn't know her then.
She--
[Laughs] Oh. Oh, no, I'm sorry.
The charade is getting more complicated.
Wait. I'm sorry, Fiona.
You, um-- You think it's you.
You think I'm talking about you?
I-I didn't mean you. - Oh.
No, I'm sorry.
The blo--You didn't. So it's another
tall, blonde woman with an enchanting laugh and smile?
Okay, well, then who is this mythical person?
- No, no, no, just-- - We should probably get--
Oh, who are you talking to?
What--Fiona, hi.
Wait, is that what you're wearing?
- No, she's-- - It's not that dressy.
No, I'm not wearing this.
I'm wearing something else.
What a brilliant observation.
Is this--Is this the person that you are--?
- Yes, yes, Fiona-- - It's Robin?
Robin is the person? Yes.
Oh, what a lucky girl.
Well, have a good time at the correctional facility,
Fiona. And uh--
- Are you coming to the concert? - No, no.
I'm going to-- Yes, I'm on a plane
from my home to 12 miles away at a concert.
All right, we'll save you a seat.
No, no. No, she's not.
She's--She gets to go talk
to a group of ladies in prison.
- That sounds fun. - Yeah, that'll be--
What is fun about it?
- What would be fun about that? - Oh.
This reminds me.
Do you have an opening next week?
We should probably, um--
Let's get some sessions on the book,
a group--A group session.
A group?
Yeah, the three of us.
- No, I don't think so. - Yeah.
- No, that's a good idea. - Why? No, no.
It's a good idea.
We've got a few issues that we should, um,
probably work out.
What...?
- Fiona? - Yes?
- Mother, look at you... - Yes.
With your Loretta Young hat.
You look completely restored. What happened?
I am restored.
I am rejuvenated and invigorated.
And I'm just ready to live and let loose.
Wonderful. What--
What's going on, though,
with the pending murder charges?
Oh, well, that-- I must inform you,
that was not murder.
Very sadly, it was a suicide.
But how do you know that it was a suicide?
Oh, I had a note. There was a note.
Little Mabel the puppet gave it to me.
Did Mabel write the note?
I can't say who wrote the note.
I'm sure it was Mabel herself.
All right, it doesn't matter.
She may have dictated to little Mabel.
But I think it came genuinely,
authentically from Mabel's heart.
All right, well, the important thing is,
do the police believe that it was a suicide?
- Has it been ruled? - Well, of course they believe
it's a suicide, because it was a suicide.
Oh, so it's an official ruling,
not just your "story."
Okay. That's good.
But what about the associated drug charges?
- Oh. - Those are still--
Well, they're breaking ground
on the Hodge Puppet Theater here at the asylum,
with its own Petite Putsy greenroom.
And so those drug things, they just went away.
I don't even know what happened about them.
They just somehow disappeared.
Thanks to an endowment from you.
I see. Then that's wonderful.
Thank goodness, because this whole thing
did need to go away, because it's the last thing
Kip needs for his political career.
- And it's the last thing I need. - I must say, that's so true.
And I would not want them to know
that you advised me to lie to the authorities.
I didn't. I didn't advise you to lie.
Darling, you must come to terms with the reality
of your own behavior and take responsibility for it.
Look in your inbox.
I always record all of our exchanges.
What?
And I want you to be privy
to what's known about you by me.
[Recording playing] So you need to keep quiet.
Do not say a word to anyone.
I'm the only one who knows.
- Do you remember it? - This is somehow...
Isn't it delightful that it's there?
Something that was recorded. I think I need to--
I think good therapists know that
it's very important to take copious notes
or to have very, very accurate recording.
You know what? I-- Let me help you.
I'm gonna come to Boston just to teach you
how to delete things.
That would be fine, wouldn't it?
You'd like that. You'd like that very much.
But that's not going to happen, is it?
Well, I must go. I must get ready.
I'm embarking on a new chapter.
I know how much you've wanted me to--
To find a hobby that did not include drugs.
And I-I think I've struck on something.
Because I've--I find that I have an enormous gift
- for helping people. - Oh.
For reaching deeply into their souls
and bringing out the reality, the truth, the--
The kind of psychological breakthrough
that creates new life.
Yes, I know all about that,
'cause that's what I do.
I'm glad that you appreciate its value now.
I've learned to monetize this gift I have.
And I think I'm going to call it "Net Therapy."
- What? - I'd like your feedback,
- genuinely, truly. - Oh, my feedback
is don't do it. That's my feedback.
- Oh, no, no, I couldn't-- - Because I practice
- Web Therapy. - No.
You cannot practice net therapy
based on an experience in an insane asylum.
Who's gonna go to you?
Net therapy is an entirely different concept.
- How? - It's going to be
four-minute sessions.
Four minutes I find to be absolutely
- adequate and perfect. - Mm-hmm.
And I'm going to implement
sock puppet therapy in my practice.
Yeah, that's a wonderful idea.
I've almost stopped worrying.
If my puppet were here right now,
my puppet would be saying something like,
"It's all right, Fiona.
"It's all right your mother has a practice.
Your mother has a gift. Live with it."
Okay, and what are you going to charge for this?
Mm, I don't-- What do you charge?
I charge $25 a session.
My fee is $24.50.
Hey, look, I'd love to talk longer, but I can't.
I have a chat session very quickly here
in just a matter of minutes.
- Jerome, dear, are you here? - What?
- Here. - My Jerome?
- Take this and pack it. - What is that?
Is that my Jerome?
What is he doing there?
Hi, Dr. Wallice.
- How are you? - I'm upset.
- Oh, no, no-- - Why are you there?
Well, um, Mr. Wallice sent me up
to help Dr. Hodge with her new modality.
It's not Dr. Hodge.
Yeah, see, uh, Dr. Wallice uses
the webcam right, like, at that angle.
Does that work for you, Dr. Hodge?
- 'Cause that--That way. - Why are you helping?
Why did Kip--Who makes all these decisions for me?
Mr. Wallice thought I could help administer
Dr. Hodge's new therapy.
And I am so grateful that Kip--
I can always rely on him to make the right choice.
Well, you've been so lovely to both of us.
Hayley is downstairs getting your
egg salad sandwich, by the way.
Your experience has been so rewarding and so helpful to me.
- Thank you. - And thank you for that--
That wedding present, that savings bond.
Oh, my goodness.
So you bought my assistant.
No, I'll be back on Monday.
- Oh, thank God. - And Dr. Wallice,
don't feel threatened.
Because here's the thing.
I learned so much about the modality of sockodrama
that I'm really excited to come back to your office
and teach you how to integrate the technique...
- So--So giving. - Thank you.
- ...into Web Therapy-- - Don't you dare.
What kind of idiot are you?
How dare you talk to Jerome that way?
How dare you say that I'm threatened
- by anything that you would do. - You are the one I dare.
- It's the dumbest idea. - You could not--No, no.
- This is you as a therapist. - You could not implement
sockodrama no matter what you did.
You know why? Because I can see your lips moving.
No matter what you try to do, your ventriloquism is lousy.
Oh, and your ventriloquism is genius.
- It's just a hand over. - No, no.
- That's not ventriloquism. - No, no.
- Don't tell me what I'm doing! - You know what?
- You're muted! - I invented--
- Hi, Fiona. - Hello, Newell.
Thank you again for agreeing to this, um--
Right, but we'relear on the parameters, right?
Yes, I--No outbursts,
- no anger. - Right.
- Just--I just wanna talk. - Okay.
So thank you.
Do you, um--Do you really not remember me, or--
- Or the name? - I'm sorry.
- I really don't. - Okay.
- I'm fine with that. - All right.
My father is a, uh, Professor Miller
at Penn, where we, you and I,
were students together.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Does that-- Does that ring a bell?
That rings a bell. Yes, it does.
- Yes, because I took a class-- - Yes.
You know, I was an econ major, but I had to take a--
Yes, but you took this class of his, um--
Right, it was, uh, um, some psycho--
- No, pseudo--science. - It was--
- It was an ethics class. - Ethics, yes.
- Right, um, anyway. - And I wasn't doing well.
And so, yes, I did have some tutoring.
Cool. Well, um, that's my dad.
- Has he died? - No.
- Good. - The short--
The short version of this is that I, um--
I came home from school one day and I, uh,
to my surprise, found you and my father,
um, in my bedroom.
Oh.
- On the floor of my bedroom... - Okay.
Uh, where you, for 45 minutes,
um, went through a series of sexual positions
and role-playing that, um,
I couldn't tear my eyes away from.
For 45 minutes you watched?
That's beside the point.
Without making yourself known
or interrupting anything, okay.
So the reason I'm contacting you
is that after you and my father were together
and what-- What I witnessed, um,
that was actually my first real sexual, um, experience.
- What? No it wasn't. - It was, actually.
Well, you weren't involved.
I was involved. I was there.
Anyway, so I, um-- I felt--
I made a-- admittedly, a terrible, uh, mistake
and a bad-- bad call of judgment
- and I told my mother. - Oh, that is a mistake, yes.
- That was you. - And that's--
That's on me.
It led to their divorce...
Divorce. Yes.
And to her being institutionalized.
Oh.
I didn't know about that part.
Why would you?
My father, uh, I guess when he was done with you,
- um, moved on, had another-- - Family, yes.
- Beautiful family, yes.
And, um, never really, um,
- was a part of my life again... - Oh.
And doesn't really return my calls.
Oh, that's horrible of him.
Yeah.
The point I'm trying to make, Fiona...
- Okay. - Is, um
that I have had a series
of really horrible relationships
because for whatever reason,
I-I look for women that remind me of you.
- Oh. - Uh, tall, blonde,
- statuesque... - Oh, well,
you could do worse.
Who treat me dismissively and abrasively...
Uh-huh.
And, um, fill me with self-disgust
- and self-loathing-- - And you don't like that?
- I-I do, actually... - Oh.
- Okay. - Which is the problem.
- Oh. - The women I meet,
I try to do things that I saw you do with my father.
Oh.
Which I know is bizarre,
but, um, that's the only way I can really perform.
Oh, well, it was just normal things.
Um, no, I wouldn't call riding my father naked,
but having your backpack on and him making you
do Al Pacino from Scent Of A Woman--
I don't--You know what, the thing is--
You don't remember Al Pacino?
I don't--Al Pacino. So I said--
You don't remember what you said?
"There's no justice.
- This court is out of order." - Nope.
- Wrong movie. - Okay.
Uh, Scent Of A Woman.
Oh, Scent Of A Woman, I said?
No, you used a little, um-- While--
- Oh, the noise. - "Whooah!"
I don't think that's normal.
And that's what I can't escape insisting on
with the women I-I-I form relationships with.
And I'd like, uh--I'd like to put an end to that.
Because, um, it's-- Nothing's really working out.
Right. Well, good for you.
- So I need your help, actually. - Oh.
My therapist feels that it would
be productive for me to exorcise
this kind of, um, demon.
And I know it may be, you know, new territory for you,
and it's complicating the relationship
of the therapist, and I don't know
- what I would be to you, but-- - Nothing, really.
- Okay. - We don't have a relationship.
Well, we might. We might.
- Well-- - That's what we need to--
I'm married and-- I don't know.
Whatever that means. I saw--
I googled you. I saw a photo of your husband,
the wedding something.
- Is he gay? - The wedding something?
- You saw my wedding photo? - I don't know.
There was a photo of you with-- A wedding photo.
And your husband, he had his, like,
leg up in the air during the photo, like,
behind--"Ahh." I just thought he was gay.
Oh. He's not, for the record.
He's not. Officially, he's not.
Okay.
Um, so anyway, I would--
I would love if you and I could, uh, get together,
- maybe for a weekend. - Oh, no.
- No, just hear me out. - Oh.
I think if we could, um, be together,
uh, just for-- Just for even an hour
and kind of--if I were to, you know, act out
what you-- what I saw you and my--
- I have the backpack. - What?
I have your backpack.
That's my backpack.
It is your backpack.
And I-I've saved it.
And, um--
And, uh, if you could wear it
during our-- our sex,
and wear the butterfly clip that you wore.
Oh.
And you'd have to do "hoohah!"
- You have to do that... - Oh, I think I said--
While you were climaxing.
But I'm pretty sure I remember I had to say,
- "boolyah," then. - No, it-- say what?
I thought it was "boolyah." [Laughs]
I didn't know. I hadn't seen the--
- What is "boolyah"? - I don't know movies well.
That is so ridic-- That's ridiculous.
"Boolyah." Well, I didn't--
That's nothing like, "whooah! Whooah!"
Well, Professor Miller didn't seem to mind.
So...it worked.
Um, so basically, in a nutshell...
- Right. - When are you free?
- I'm not. - I have no STDs.
And I promise there-- I would not try anal.
How big of you, that you wouldn't.
- Yes. - Listen, I'm very busy
with the campaign and-- As you can see,
- there's a campaign behind me. - You know what?
I'm gonna plan on next weekend.
I'm gonna book a lovely hotel.
We'll go for Sushi. And we'll--
We'll see what happens with the, you know--
Whether we do anal or not, I will leave up to you.
But I'm planning on us--
Us having a really nice time.
No, this is not going to happen.
It's gonna happen. It's gonna happen.
No, the only thing you're gonna get from me is advice.
- I'm gonna get-- - And the advice is,
- you need a new therapist. - Okay.
'Cause if this is endorsed by your therapist,
then I don't know which tribe
or prehistoric era this therapist is from,
but you simply can't fix a situation
by forcing yourself on a woman.
I'm not gonna force myself on you.
- I was 20 years old. - Fiona, I'm not
- gonna force myself. - What did I know?
If anything, you're gonna force yourself on me.
That's what's gonna happen.
Can you hear me? Have you--
Are you frozen?
Goddamn it.
Ugh, thank God.
This is absolutely entirely and completely different.
- How? - What it's going to be
is four-minute sessions--
[Laughter]
Oh, no.
[Laughter]
Please, stop.
You know, you've hurt my feelings.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is it fixed now?
- You've hurt my feelings. - Oh, excuse me.
I'm sorry. Is it fixed now?
[Laughs]
I can't-- I'm sor--[Laughs]
I'm just a puddle today.
You are the one who has to understand
what your responsibility is in this.
You didn't have to stand and watch for 45 minutes.
- [High-pitched voice] "You didn't have to stand
and watch for 45--" You know what?
[Silent]
[Laughs] You--
[Laughs]
Thank God. Okay.
[Exhales]
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com